


Subtexting

by ProseApothecary



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Adult Losers, Alternate Universe - No Pennywise (IT), Fluff, M/M, Modern Setting, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-07 17:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20980001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProseApothecary/pseuds/ProseApothecary
Summary: Hozier:HeySpaghettiWhy are you up so late?Isn’t it pasta your bedtime?Spaghettiny:ROFLMAO!!!Richie how are you still so unfunny when all your material is stolen





	1. Saturday, 12:05 am

**Hozier:**

Hey

Spaghetti

Why are you up so late?

Isn’t it pasta your bedtime?

**Spaghettiny:**

ROFLMAO!!!

Seriously Richie, how are you still so unfunny when all your material is stolen?

**Hozier:**

How dare u

Pasta jokes have been and always will be Tozier originals

I would never disrespect my spaghetti head like that

Also stop avoiding the question

**Spaghettiny:**

What

U want me to answer the question

Is it pasta my bedtime?

**Hozier:**

I meant why are you still awake

But I will take either

**Spaghettiny:**

Oh

Just can’t sleep

It’s fine

**Hozier:**

Hey I’ll sing you a lullaby

Hush little Eddie

Don’t say a word

**Spaghettiny: **

How about U don’t say a word

Oh my god you actually shut up

Hey how do I harness this power and use it for evil

**Hozier:**

I ran out of alternate rhymes

Pretty fucking quickly

**Spaghettiny:**

You didn’t even do one

That is pretty fucking quickly

**Hozier:**

Listen

Hecklers will be escorted out

**Spaghettiny:**

Out of where?

**Hozier:**

My dreams

**Spaghettiny:**

What teh fuck

**Hozier:**

Oh my god

You’re teh fucking cutest

**Spaghettiny:**

Shut up

Why are _you_ still awake?

**Hozier:**

Kept having dreams

Involving your mum

So, nightmares, really

**Spaghettiny:**

Wow

I’m pissing myself laughing

**Hozier:**

I hope you know that the I can’t process sarcasm after 11

So I’m taking everything you say 100% seriously

And I’m very flattered

But also concerned for your bladder control

**Spaghettiny:**

Thank God your job doesn’t involve sarcasm or late nights

**Hozier:**

We could switch jobs

I could pull off a sexy nurse outfit

Though doing the actual nursing

Would be like letting a horse in a hospital

**Spaghettiny:**

Joke thief

**Hozier:**

Listen it’s called an homage

And lots of funny talented sexy comedians use it

**Spaghettiny:**

What do all the funny talented sexy comedians think of you stepping on their turf?

**Hozier:**

…

**Spaghettiny:**

Brb taking screenshots and sending them to John Mulaney’s lawyer

**Hozier:**

Hey

If you do want to hear some original material

I’m doing a show this Sunday

I can get you in for free

If not that’s cool

Just thought I’d ask

**Spaghettiny:**

Is there an option where you pay me to come?

**Hozier:**

There’s an option where I pay your mother to come

**Spaghettiny:**

Knew you couldn’t get it for free

Course I’ll go u idiot


	2. Friday, 6:30 pm

**Spaghettiny:**

Hey

Ik you’re probably really busy so feel free to just read all of this later but

I’m actually really looking forward to this

Crazy, I know

Anyway

Godspeed

**Hozier:**

I just anxiety-puked in a backstage bathroom

Maybe lower your expectations

**Spaghettiny:**

And with that, I’ve stopped eating my salted peanuts

Just remember that no matter how you do out there

You’ll always be unfunny in my heart <3

**Hozier:**

How is that so genuinely reassuring

Hey if I bomb

Will u promise to just cover your eyes and ears and leave immediately?

**Spaghettiny:**

How am I covering my eyes and ears simultaneously?

**Hozier:**

Blindfold

Earplugs

Also maybe a gag would come in handy

**Spaghettiny:**

Beep fucking beep

**Hozier:**

What

It’s to stop you heckling

They’ll hand them out later

Did I not mention this?

**Spaghettiny:**

Oh my God they just announced u y r u messaging

Y am I messaging

Sorry I’ll stop

Good luck!!!

If u tell anyone I used 3 exclamation marks I'll murder u ok bye


	3. Saturday, 5:30 pm

**Spaghettiny:**

So…

**Hozier: **

U always know just what to say

**Spaghettiny:**

You did really well

Like, astonishingly well

Who woulda thought

**Hozier:**

Aw you really do know just what to say

**Spaghettiny:**

Shut up

**Hozier:**

Is now a good time to tell you it was all stolen

**Spaghettiny:**

RICHIE

**Hozier:**

EDDIE

I’m kidding

**Spaghettiny:**

Thank God

Hey should we talk about

The rest of the night

**Hozier:**

Sure

**Spaghettiny:**

You start

**Hozier:**

You brought it up

**Spaghettiny:**

Shut up

I don’t have a blueprint for the “you just kissed your best friend” conversation

**Hozier:**

And I do?

Wait

Holy shit

I’m your best friend?

**Spaghettiny:**

Oh my God

**Hozier: **

I cannot wait to break the news to Bill

He’s going to be heartbroken

**Spaghettiny:**

Fuck off

I misspoke

Mistyped

Whatever

**Hozier:**

So

**Spaghettiny: **

So

**Hozier: **

If I knew kissing was on the table, I would’ve written my own material a lot earlier

_Eddie is typing…_

**Hozier:**

TYPE FASTER

**Spaghettiny:**

Thanks for interrupting

I had to delete what I typed in order to tell you to shut up first

**Hozier:**

OH MY GOD

MESSAGING YOU IS EMOTIONAL WATERBOARDING

**Spaghettiny:**

For the record

I was going to say

I would’ve kissed you even if all the material was stolen

**Hozier:**

☐☐☐☐☐☐

**Spaghettiny:**

Richie

**Hozier:**

☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐

**Spaghettiny:**

Richie I have an old phone

Emojis don’t work

**Hozier:**

☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐

**Spaghettiny:**

Richie I have no idea what the fuck you’re saying

**Hozier:**

Probably for the best

Wait I can translate them

**Hozier:**

<3 <3 <3 :D :D :D

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

This is going to take years

**Hozier:**

Hey how do u make an eggplant in Unicode

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

Jfc

Maybe you can just give me a summary

**Hozier:**

The gist was

Eddie I like you so much

So so much

Let’s go on 1000 more dates

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

Shut up

I really like you too

**Hozier:**

Hey I think someone’s messed with your phone

It looks like every time you try to type “Love of my Life”, “Shut up” appears.

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

Fuck off

**Shut Up: **

Yeah someone definitely messed with your phone

Or maybe you’ve been hacked

If I know one thing about sweet sweet Eddie

It’s that he would never use foul language

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

I hate you

Come over?

**Shut Up:**

Absolutely

Just let me slip into a negligee

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

Just let me pour some bleach into my eyes and I’ll be ready for you

**Shut Up:**

Oh I can bring the bleach

Comes in handy when I spend the night with your mother

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

I can’t believe that I’m attracted to you

**Shut Up:**

☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐☐

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

RICHIE

Just stop messaging

And get your ass over here

**Shut Up:**

Should I bring the gags and blindfolds leftover from my gig?

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

I’d prefer the ear plugs

**Shut Up:**

For the neighbours

Got it

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

I’m not replying to u anymore

**Shut Up:**

Omw

Listen I would be faster if your phone could handle emojis

Bc then I wouldn’t have to type out

That Emoji of the Man Running

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

Jesus Christ

**Shut Up:**

No I think it’s just a random jogger

**Angel (Hair Pasta):**

I hate u

**Shut Up:**

U love me

I’m coming

**Angel (Hair Pasta): **

U will be

If u fucking get here already

**Shut Up:**

That Emoji of the Man Running at the Speed of Light

**Author's Note:**

> Too scared of horror and queer characters dying to watch/read IT but somehow still managed to get obsessed with Reddie (I make bad choices).


End file.
